Go home. These are ancient pages no longer being maintained.

Fun

headlines

Dan Francke and I started writing these in tribute to the Onion while bored on a road trip.

Music critics agree Behind the Music: Sonny & Cher ends with death of wrong entertainer
WB execs know you'll love terrible new line-up
DA complains "too-many suspects" of Carrot Top homicide
Scientists confirm feces of rich odorless
Magnetic North Pole defeats True North Pole in World Championship
5 drown in carpool misunderstanding
Trial of Century ends with remaining juror's death. Prosecution rests in peace
Parents applaud school bullies, agree "Johnny Shitpants" is best nickname their child was given yet
Entomologists relieve fears, assure public Killer bees only sting violently and repeatedly
Recycled plots mirror sitcom viewer's daily rut
Olive juice salesman killed by deaf homophobe
Kayak inventor dead from stroke
Man kills self, 11 others in bizarre love dodecahedron
Teen boy killed by blue balls. Racquetball coach in custody
Intoxicated Power Ranger "morphs" into jackass
Syntax collapse traps 7 poets under metaphors
Prostitute, hit man share heart of gold in epic redemption film
"Smokey" replaced with angrier, more profane bear
Apple farmers enjoy increased demand after latest pie-fucking movie
Friends of Guinness Book hopeful spike largest burrito with laxatives. Second record set goes unpublished
Friends mark Target-registered newlyweds' special day with thoughtless returnables
Monkeys freed in daring midnight raid dismember liberators
Bumper stickers prove teen's support of sticker manufacturers
For inspiration, country songwriter remembers growing up in gated community with sober, loving family
Unsexy vampires demand more accurate film portrayal of undead
New town opens in Mega-Walmart
Prize fighter pummels proper grammar
Commercial gives male viewers that not-so-comfortable feeling
Runaway baby carriage hit by truck. Metropolis mother disappointed with Superman
Each member of Coincidence Society agrees to meet in random location
Restaurant's General Tso's chicken leads to dishonorable discharge
Rehab delivers CEO from strippers, cocaine-fueled life home to shame, depression, cheating wife
Politician attributes success to empty promises, gullible electorate
Exhibitionist couple predictably crash another game of charades
Heart reunion leaves fans trampled, "Dreams" butchered
Jealous cereal company fear mascot "coocoo" for rival brand
Tarot reader nervously reshuffles card depicting axe-murderer creeping behind Tarot reader
Driver at infinite speed receives simultaneous speeding, parking tickets
Expanding Photoshop team, tabloid editor's first choice is punk Glamour Shots employee giving women mustaches
Third world starves as 2,743rd love, sweet love shipment delivered
Heated argument inevitably ends with Hitler being compared with self
Aspiring writer finds store-brand cereal-naming deceptively similar to rewarding career
Bush daughters only diverting attention from unfortunately-named brother Oliver
God diagnosed with low self-esteem, labeled atheist by Catholic Church
WWF to join United Federation of Planets. Rock promises Ferengi smack-down
Nude photos found on internet
Home-schooling parents deliver complete middle school experience including merciless name-calling and beatings
Pilot's sexual harassment charges lead to relentless "cockpit" jokes
Redundant man dies twice
Dick Butkiss still waiting for someone to say something
Sequel of "Jackass" produces more defecation and vomiting. Theater janitors threaten strike
Stoners agree Pummel Horse most sentence-like event
Washed-up diver washes ashore near dive bar
Lazy pollers count multiple-personalities and schizophrenics
Teen expresses pain in painful poem
Unalienable rights small price to pay for marginally-increased safety from blurry notion of terrorism
Girls see pop idol as model of feminine empowerment, underwear
Indie-rock band's instruments powered by bad hair cuts
Fox rolls out latest reality show Slut Boat
Nihilist finds box of Life cereal empty. Unaffected by irony
Movie critic's funeral little too long with predictable ending
Mayor takes town from crime-riddled to crime-ridden with spelling correction
Olympics bring rare opportunity for mass shattering of dreams
"Superman tastes like chicken," claims victorious arch-nemesis
Jeep Cherokees outnumber actual Cherokees
Five Washington Generals die in plane crash. Owners scramble to find talentless replacements
Cobblers, blacksmiths agree latest Gregorian calendar is sexiest yet
Superhero banquet facilitates need for super plunger
Mime waiving 5th Amendment right finishes 24-year testimony
Studies show 10% of all news stories begin with same two words
Local ex-pilot drunk
End of Stephen King biography plagued with stupid, fake-looking monsters
Back by popular demand, shitty Star Search
Autopsied poet found actually empty inside
Tasteless "Dice" Clay joke reaffirms taste is better part of talent
Unimpressed diner can believe it's not butter
Nader to represent Storm Troopers in body armor lawsuit
Joke made earlier wasn't funny then either
Pop diva gives hope to homeless, proceeds to beach home
Aspiring rapper delivers shout-outs, pizzas
Annoying airline magazine used as shield from annoying neighbor

prev | next | show all